Things Too Long To Write Down

(106)

clavicola:

Your hands are like swollen hearts.
Your heart is the size of small hands.

I love you because I like to think that family
is more than just a word and a predisposition to love when
you really don’t. 

When I wake up in the morning and see you laying beside me
with your hand wrapped around my finger and your arm around
my neck, I wonder what sort of dreams you had to have
come into my room so late at night.

You were wearing only one sock and when I touched
your cheek with my fingertip you stirred,
saw me,
and smiled. 

You are four years old and I still keep the picture
you drew of the two of us 
in the pocket of my journal, 

of me in one home
and you underneath another, 

with a path of blue
between us both. 

(via rise--up)

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that ‘True love is just around the corner’ and - if you haven’t found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned.

You feel truly deprived - not getting your fair share, but you have accepted the fact that that is the way things are at this time and that it is prudent to let matters slide and not hit your head against the wall -so conform and agree for a while. Accept the situation - nothing can last forever.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn’t matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don’t really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

Seven Things You Will Never Know

modernmethadone:

  1. You don’t know why things are different between you and your best friend. You don’t know why things feel off. They just do. And here you are, feeling this immense amount of pressure to make it feel how it used to, and you both end up failing. You’re at lunch surrendering to the things you can’t control. When we were younger, we could blame everything on something tangible but it’s not like that anymore. Relationships shift in the night when you’re unconscious. And when you wake up, you find out you were robbed but don’t even bother finding the culprit.
  2. You don’t know why you didn’t get the job. Your outfit was impeccable — very “23-year-old who deserves a job” — and the interview went swimmingly. You talked about your favorite books and your respective hometowns. Time just flew. You were supposed to be there for only thirty minutes but it turned into an hour. You left the office feeling like a million bucks but that slowly got depleted when you never heard back. When they finally informed you that they went with someone within the company, your spirit had become an overdrawn bank account.
  3. You don’t know why this jerk isn’t texting you back. Maybe they don’t like you or are scared they like you too much. (Does the latter ever happen though? Do people ever get freaked out, like in a negative way, when they actually like someone and they know the person likes them back? Maybe they do. If so, we’re doomed.) You’re thinking of a myriad of different things while waiting for that response back. Most of which are some variant of “I’m not good enough. I probably smell weird. How am I supposed to get someone to love me when they can’t even send me a damn text message?” You’ll never know the real reasons why they aren’t going to text you back. Trust me. It’s better not knowing.
  4. You don’t know if you’re going to transition well to adulthood and get a nice paying job. You don’t know if you’re ever going to get things the same way your parents did. Buying a house, 401ks, health insurance: are any of these things guaranteed to anyone anymore? What are the true markers of adulthood if we have to keep on living paycheck to paycheck, can’t afford to raise a family, or even buy a nice winter coat? How will we know if we made it?
  5. You don’t know why you hooked up with that disgusting person years ago. You had no interest in seeing them naked and then it just happened. This foreign body was on top of you and trying to make your insides feel good when all you wanted to do was curl up in a ball and watch Friday Night Lights. It’s amazing how many things we do without knowing the rationale behind it. We spend our days doing everything with a sense of purpose and then, all of a sudden, we just become possessed. I feel like we do things that are out of character because we need to shock ourselves. Self-awareness can be overrated and tiresome. By sleeping with someone who repulses you, we’re reminded that we don’t know ourselves completely.
  6. You don’t know why you remember some people and forget others. It seems like you’re always missing people who never miss you back. Can that, like, stop?
  7. You don’t know math. You don’t need to know math. Math is unknowable.

(Source: thoughtcatalog.com)

Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

—

Harvey Milk (via cite-belle

)

(via m0on-child)

There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.

—

John Green, The Fault in Our Stars


  My infinity isn’t over, but to me it seems small and unprecedented, and when it takes a hiatus, I will be terrifically sad like no one has ever known.

(via midnightlights)

(via alice-and-icarus)

capertown: StepsFrank O’Hara How funny you are today New York like Ginger Rogers in Swingtime and St. Bridget’s steeple leaning a little to the left here I have just jumped out of a bed full of V-days (I got tired of D-days) and blue you there still accepts me foolish and free all I want is a room up there and you in it and even the traffic halt so thick is a way for people to rub up against each other and when their surgical appliances lock they stay together for the rest of the day (what a day) I go by to check a slide and I say that painting’s not so blue where’s Lana Turner she’s out eating and Garbo’s backstage at the Met everyone’s taking their coat off so they can show a rib-cage to the rib-watchers and the park’s full of dancers with their tights and shoes in little bags who are often mistaken for worker-outers at the West Side Y why not the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they wonand in a sense we’re all winningwe’re alive the apartment was vacated by a gay couple who moved to the country for fun they moved a day too soon even the stabbings are helping the population explosion though in the wrong country and all those liars have left the UN the Seagram Building’s no longer rivalled in interest not that we need liquor (we just like it) and the little box is out on the sidewalk next to the delicatessen so the old man can sit on it and drink beer and get knocked off it by his wife later in the day while the sun is still shining oh god it’s wonderful to get out of bed and drink too much coffee and smoke too many cigarettes and love you so much

capertown:

Steps
Frank O’Hara

How funny you are today New York
like Ginger Rogers in Swingtime
and St. Bridget’s steeple leaning a little to the left

here I have just jumped out of a bed full of V-days
(I got tired of D-days) and blue you there still
accepts me foolish and free
all I want is a room up there
and you in it
and even the traffic halt so thick is a way
for people to rub up against each other
and when their surgical appliances lock
they stay together
for the rest of the day (what a day)
I go by to check a slide and I say
that painting’s not so blue

where’s Lana Turner
she’s out eating
and Garbo’s backstage at the Met
everyone’s taking their coat off
so they can show a rib-cage to the rib-watchers
and the park’s full of dancers with their tights and shoes
in little bags
who are often mistaken for worker-outers at the West Side Y
why not
the Pittsburgh Pirates shout because they won
and in a sense we’re all winning
we’re alive

the apartment was vacated by a gay couple
who moved to the country for fun
they moved a day too soon
even the stabbings are helping the population explosion
though in the wrong country
and all those liars have left the UN
the Seagram Building’s no longer rivalled in interest
not that we need liquor (we just like it)

and the little box is out on the sidewalk
next to the delicatessen
so the old man can sit on it and drink beer
and get knocked off it by his wife later in the day
while the sun is still shining

oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much

(Source: j----me, via anri-du-toit)